just can't get enough

It's summer, I'm back on the blog, and--be still my sequined-studded spectacle-loving heart!--the Eurovision semi-finals were this week. In case you missed them, I'm here to fill you in before Saturday's final.

Was there pleather? Double denim? Tinsel tassles? In spades.
Were there pyrotechnics perfectly synced to the key changes? Hilarious facial hair? Naturally.
Acrobatics performed inside a glass box? A giant disco ball? A human giant? Need you even ask?

Here's my rundown of the best and worst of the oompah-hybrid nonsense, wardrobe surprises, and tasteless gimmicks we've all come to expect of Europe's song contest.

Round 1:

Denmark: One of the bookies' favorites, Emmelie de Forest is clearly a major contender despite the fact that the song comes off a bit like Shakira going down with the Titanic. This is the first entry of the night to feature noteworthy, i.e. lots of and excessively large, drums--this year's big trend. Take note: now you ain't nobody unless your kettle drum's bigger than your Citroen.

Ukraine: "Ukrainian Giant Takes Eurovision 2013 By Storm" reads The Telegraph headline referring to 7 foot 8.33 inch Igor Vovkovinskiy who acted the part of friendly giant, lurching across the stage dressed in medieval garb only to carry the vampy diva Zlata Ognevich to her mark center stage and then retreat back into the wings. Bonkers. And easily my favorite gimmick in recent memory. Need you ask? Of course the song is shite.

Montenegro: I'm terribly disappointed this one didn't make the finals. What's not to love about Who See Klapa, a hip-hop duo dressed as astronauts rapping in Montenegrin, "I'll take you to the party, to to to to the party" while fog shoots out of the stage and a formidable female alien belts out the chorus C&C Music Factory-like? Maybe next year, fellas.

Lithuania: Sure, Andrius Pojavis is a scruffy cutie in a pleather jacket, but it's the depth of the lyrics that really make this one. To wit: "If you don't know I'm in love with you / when summertime falls it becomes untrue / Because of my shoes I'm wearing today / one is called Love the other is Pain."

Round 2:

Latvia: I was going to write something snarky here about PeR, which stands for Please Explain the Rhythm, the sparkly foursome from Latvia that features a keytar player. But after reading their profile on the Eurovision website, I realize they're just goshdarn hopeful and trying out there. Also, the lead singer was so proud when he launched himself into the crowd, shouting, "The first stage dive in Eurovision history comes from Latvia!" When they ended, he shouted, "Thank you! And may the farce be with you!" I'm not sure whether that was a mispronunciation or merely spot-on commentary.

Malta: Gianluca is a doctor by trade and, according to the Eurovision website, "his collection of smiles have warmed the hearts of many Eurovision enthusiasts." Allegedly, he sings regularly "with his prayer group" and has volunteered with the sisters of Mother Theresa, too. Truth: from the moment the miniature guitar started strumming and Gianluca began singing in breathy vocals--"His name is Jer-e-my / working in I.T."--a boy-meets-girl story of a "sensitive" guy who falls in love, my lip involuntarily curled into a sneer. I've rarely witnessed inoffensiveness this offensive. The. handclaps. don't. even. help.

Bulgaria: Two drummers, Bulgaria's answer to Sofia Vergara and Mandy Patinkin in a curly mullet, are joined by a screeching hook from a gaida (i.e. eastern bagpipes) in this ethno-club romp. For the record, they've got the most drums onstage at one time and they still didn't make it through to the finals. Inexcusable.

Iceland: Thor (aka Eythor Ingi) delivers a ballad (translated title: "I Am Alive") with subtle yet commanding stage presence, somehow managing to be moving even while singing in Icelandic.

Israel: Sigh. The piano tinkles. Another serious ballad, as always, from Israel. Then the camera zooms out and we see Moran Mazor, inexplicably wearing both 1970's librarian glasses and a lycra dress with Elvira cleavage to her belly-button. Score a point for Israel: that was unexpected.

Romania: Speaking of the inexplicable, I will just provide a link to this one. You best watch it for yourself. Consider this an illustration of why I can't ever get enough Eurovision.