Eurovision Round 1

Those of you who know me will know that this is one of my favorite weeks of the year.

(last place 1980 Belgian entry)

You don’t even need to ask: yes, I will be watching from the first shout of “GOOOOD eveninnnnnnng, Europe!” until goodbye kisses are being blown at the camera.

In case you missed the first Eurovision semi-final on Tuesday, or you’re of the American contingent who haven’t yet had the pleasure, here’s a run down of what you missed in Round 1:

The Best of the Worst

Montenegro: A stocky middle-aged man who calls himself Rambo Amadeus lurched his way through a Balkan funk-rap fusion, dropping lines like “I don’t like snow peas” and “always stay cool, like a swimming pool.”

San Marino: This one’s called “The Social Network Song” because they found out late in the game that they were breaking the EV rule that bans brand names and had to remove all references to “facebook” from the song. The most delightful absurdity came thanks to the staging: a doctor, a cheerleader, and a pilot danced in the background while the blue pleather-bedecked vocalist sang things like “if you wanna come to my house, click it with your mouse.”

Austria: The group is called Trackshittaz.  The song is called “Woki Mit Deim Popo,” which loosely translates to “Shake Your Bum,” though they made it sound dirtier. It was no “I Like Big Butts,” but it did feature pole dancers, name-checked Nuddel Suppen (noodle soup), and a nifty online translator also helped me understand the lines that meant: “Your bum has feelings, your bum is part of you / Don’t put it on chairs, your bum has an opinion, yeah.”

The Best of the Best

Iceland: As a rule, entries from Nordic countries are usually classy and usually involve orchestral string instruments. This one featured a fellow named Jónsi (not to be confused with the one from Sigur Ros, his Eurovision profile boasts that he starred as Danny Zuko in Grease a few years ago) and violin. About as classy as Eurovision power ballads get.

Romania: Drums! Bagpipes! Accordion! A scantily clad pop princess! Excessive pyrotechnics! It was like Romanian folk goes club and had a tongue-twister of a chorus that goes “zah li la li la lee.”

Cyprus: Not terribly different from Romania’s tune in terms of its catchiness, but this favors a sort of Ace of Base beat and has a chorus that goes “How I’ve been waiting for this la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la love.” 

Ireland: Say what you want about Jedward the rest of the year, but they are made for Eurovision. Their “Waterline” is no “Waterloo” or “Borderline” but watching them bound around the stage dressed as cyberknights to the tune, I was reminded of “We Built This City” and “Footloose.” If either of those were sung by hyperactive albino Irish twins, that is.

Russia: I believe in these Babuski, and I would love to see them beat all the young, naked divas. They began by pretending to put something in a stage prop oven, all baking and looking adorable. Then the beat dropped and it became a “party for everybody.” The littlest grannie is such a star she gets her own solo dance with the camera. (Their previous entry “Very long birch bark and how to turn it into a turban" may have been a better tune, but “Party for Everybody” seems more appropriate for the Eurovision agenda.) They get my vote: